The latest in late breaking news!

Forums Conferences Michigan Intercollegiate Athletic Association The latest in late breaking news!

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    • #12863
      The Grimace
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      KALAMAZOO COLLEGE CAMPUS BUZZING OVER NEW ATHLETIC CHANGES

      KALAMAZOO, Mich. – The times, they are a-changin’. Bob Dylan wrote those immortal words many years ago, but they ring true today. Kalamazoo College has rocked the NCAA world by creating a new position within their Athletic Department, the General Manager of Athletics. While the new position is certainly big news, the even bigger development is who has been hired to fill this position – Brian Cashman, former GM of the New York Yankees. “I’m extremely excited for this new opportunity,” announced Cashman at his introductory press conference. “I hope that I can contribute to what I believe will be a new golden age of Kalamazoo College Athletics. Also, the Steinbrenner’s are dicks.”

      The buyout of his contract with the Yankees was expensive, but Kalamazoo was able to cover the costs by taking out a mortgage on the Natatorium, Tennis Facilities, Library and even parts of Western Michigan University that technically do not belong to them. A spokesperson for the College stated “we realize this is a risky undertaking, but we think it will work out for the best in the long term. NCAA athletics are a cash cow, especially among DIII schools, and we look forward to getting a cut of that proverbial ‘fat cash.'”

      In his new position, Cashman will have the power to trade student athletes and non-athletes, facilities, golf carts belonging to facilities management, and honorary degrees as well as whatever other products he deems necessary. Reports have already surfaced that he is in talks with Bob Bowman to trade a garbage bag full of Ok-E-Dok-E Cheddar Cheese popcorn and an honorary degree in Physics (with a minor in English) for the rights to multiple world record holder Michael Phelps.

      Cashman’s busy schedule has also included negotiations with Emory University and Kenyon College. Rumors are that the trade with Emory could be made official as soon as Friday. While experts speculate on the details of the trade, inside sources have reported that it will involve Emory sending the Olympic Pool in Atlanta to Kalamazoo, and Kalamazoo trading Hornet Natatorium and a recruit to be named later. Cashman was overheard saying “we promised them a big one, but if we can help it, lets send them one with a lingering shoulder problem.” Also, rumors are that the trade with Kenyon will involve a Big Bacon Classic Combo from Wendy’s and the keys to a Prius belonging to Kalamazoo Assistant Coach Steve Barnes. In return, Kalamazoo will receive every swimmer from Kenyon that was not born in the United States.

      Needless to say, big changes are in store for the Kalamazoo College Athletic Program, although Cashman has gone on record as saying that he will not help the tennis team (“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”) or the football team (“Honestly, who really cares?”). That’s just some more proof that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

    • #41415

      Wow! What a huge pickup for Kalamazoo Athletics. This will really put them on the map. I should celebrate by streaking through the quad and into the gymnasium! Let’s go everybody!

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